The Top Chef Drinking Game

Hippie Killer asked if I wanted to write for this blog, and I gladly accepted. For my first contribution, I’d like to offer up a Top Chef Drinking Game, which HK and I road-tested last night. Okay, we sofa-tested it. I’m a big enough Top Chef fan that I read the blogs on BravoTV’s web site. Well, not all of them, since they’ve got a slew of them now, but I usually check out the judges’ blogs and Lee Anne’s. She’s the former cheftestant (from Season 1) who now works behind the scenes for the show.

In her first blog post for Season 4 Lee Anne mentioned a Top Chef Drinking Game and noted, in a live-blogging-esque fashion, each time she had to take a drink during the first episode. So of course I went Googling for the game, but the results were disappointing. Admittedly, I only checked out the first couple of pages of results, but all I found was the same fairly lame version recycled on a bunch of different food blogs. For one thing, there aren’t enough items on the list. For another, the very first one is an uncalled for slam against host Padma Lakshmi, who is supposedly unqualified to talk about anything whatsoever. (Food snobbery, or snobbery of any kind, is insufferable.) Disappointed, I decided to create my own.

I won’t claim that this is the best Top Chef Drinking Game evah, but it’s better than the ones I found. I did borrow a few items that I actually liked from the others. HK and I whipped this up moments before last night’s episode, so I’ll add more to this list as we think of them. Readers are highly encouraged to add more suggestions in the comments. (Of course, this blog hasn’t officially gone public yet, but I suppose we’ll get a few Google hits.)

Without further ado, here’s the game:

THE TOP CHEF DRINKING GAME

You know the rules.

Take ONE drink if:

1. Padma says “Utensils down, hands up.”
2. A chef says they’ve never cooked __________ before.
3. A chef says “I’m just here to compete” or “I’m just here to win.”
4. A chef can’t find something in the kitchen/pantry.
5. Two words: Product placement. (Granted, this item alone could get you drunk off your ass.)
6. The chefs draw knives.
7. A chef makes a dessert when he/she doesn’t have to.
8. You see a chef wearing Crocs.
9. A chef makes a foam.
10. A chef accuses another chef of copying an idea/style/ingredient, etc.
11. A chef yells out how much time is left on the clock.
12. A chef or judge says “Someone has to go home.”
13. A judge asks a chef what the inspiration for their dish was.
14. A judge says that a chef’s plating looks messy/sloppy.
15. The judges say the food is too salty or not salty enough.
16. Tom Colicchio says “This was a tough decision.”
17. Gail Simmons is not at judges’ table.
18. Anthony Bourdain says something that he thinks is clever.
19. A judge asks “Did you taste it?”
20. Gail mentions Food & Wine Magazine.

Take TWO drinks if:

1. A chef makes a duo of something.
2. A chef uses an ingredient that you’ve never heard of.
3. A chef misses the whole point of a challenge or doesn’t follow the rules.
4. A chef says that the guest judge is their hero/idol.
5. Someone uses the phrase “molecular gastronomy.”
6. Padma tells the chefs they will be packing their stuff in GladWare.
7. Tom says “This is Top Chef, not Top _______.”
8. Someone actually refers to the chefs as “cheftestants.”
9. Someone utters any variation of the phrase “throw me under the bus.”
10. Someone utters any variation of the phrase “stand behind your dish.”
11. A judge says that something is inedible.
12. A chef says “This won’t be the last you’ll see of me.”

Take THREE drinks if:

1. A chef makes a trio of something.
2. The challenge was obviously created primarily for product placement and doesn’t really have much to do with being a chef (I’m talkin’ to you, Bertolli Frozen Dinners!).
3. A chef cuts or otherwise injures him/herself. (Not that I wish for this to happen!)

Do a SHOT if:

1. A chef gets kicked off (á la Cliff in Season 2) or quits the show.
2. A woman finally wins Top Chef.

HAPPY DRINKING!

Sans-Bullshit Restaurant Review

I had lunch at the Banana Bean Cafe — a self-described “Foribbean” joint located in, of all places, Vienna, West Virginia. Home of Holl’s Chocolates, Todd Burge, and apparently, “The Patina of Key West.” It was actually pretty damn good. I had a simple Cuban-style sandwich that I would not hesitate to order again. The problem with most every Cuban sandwich I’ve had (around here) is that the pork really tends to dry out. Add to that the fact that most folks (again, around here) would promptly send back any piece of juicy, pink, glistening pork you put in front of them for fear of it being undercooked, and you have the potential for a really dry sandwich. Well, the folks at the banana bean anticipate the problem, and compensate with lots (but not too much) of mustard, cheese and pickles to moisten things up. Or that’s what it seamed like to me. This sandwich succeeded where so many others have failed. The redneck Cuban! It also came with a side of citrus couscous that was very nice.

It’s worth noting that the place had some decent traffic when I was there, considering it was near the end of lunch service, and in the middle of a snow storm. Always a good sign. But hey, what better way to lift your spirits in such times? The only thing I could do without was the Goddamn Jimmy Buffet music on loop.

It’s great to stumble upon places like this in places like this in frickin’ Vienna West Virginia. 3 Star Michelin it ain’t, but it was inexpensive, tasty and charming. Exactly the kind of place Charleston is short on.

Shamelessly Self-Congratulatory Food Pictures

I really don’t want this to be one of those food where I get to pretend to be a real chef by posting dozens of very staged (but not too staged!) pictures of me prepping various ingredients. But since you sort of eat with your eyes, and a picture says a 1000 words — here are some highlights:

Chicken with lemon-caper sauce and asparagus with sweet mustard vinaigrette. Garlic bread. Yes, the vinaigrette was left over from the night before, and no, garlic bread doesn’t really “go” with this meal. I just wanted some fucking garlic bread. The pith from the whole lemons gave the sauce a slightly bitter note that I wasn’t nuts about. But it was still very good. And finally…

Pan-seared meyer lemon gnocchi. Yes, it’s the recipie from the front page of this month’s Food and Wine magazine. This was the first time we tried making gnocchi using a potato ricer to break up the potatoes. Lesson learned: if you’re making gnocchi, a potato ricer IS NOT OPTIONAL. This was the first time our gnocchi came out “pillowy.” And who am I kidding with this “we” crap? Red made this. Side note: you can occasionally find meyer lemons around this town if you look. They’re not as sour as normal lemons, and their zest has distinct flavors of — get this — thyme. I’d like to try it again with the brightness of regular lemons.